I am now scared of FEET!!!

Well, for the few of you that continue to check up on me, sorry it has been a while since my last blog. Everything seems so mundane these days. I go to work, I sleep, I eat....and repeat. I have now had three different sonographers look at our baby and they all say that baby looks great!!! However, I made the mistake of asking one of them to measure his/her feet. They appeared large but I know that the screen can be deceptive so I asked out of curiosity. This kid's feet are measuring 1 and 1/2" already and we still have at least 12 weeks to go!! My coworkers have now named the baby FLIPPER!! We don't want to know what we are having boy/girl but now I pray it is a boy and my princess won't have to be a wicked step sister where the shoes never fit!!! So now I am more scared of baby feet than baby head!! HAHA!! All other pregnancy things are as usual, I feel fat, the baby is moving lots (but daddy hasn't felt it yet), getting a wee bit miserable sleeping situation. I am a stomach and back sleeper and neither are condusive in pregnancy. Good news is that I have only gained 8 pounds. That is one of the plus sides to all the weight you gain going through ART. My OB thinks I eat healthy, but really I was just 15 pounds heavier to begin with!! HEHE!! Cravings are a tough one, many people ask me and I have no idea about any one thing or another. Mushrooms very fond of, anything salty for the most part every once in a while I can't seem to eat enough chocolate (but that is seldom), and salad. I love salad more so than before. Baby is starting to hear now so when hubs comes in from work baby starts moving around lots. I guess that is about it for now. I will try to be better about letting you guys know how things are going and keep posting.
I am still praying for you all!!!
(((huggs)))
A

Abnormal AFP!!

Geez, just when I take a deep breath. My Triple screen/AFP came back abnormal. So my OB sent me to Maternal Fetal Medicine to have a Level 2 ultrasound. I know that the test is notorious for false positives so I wasn't that bothered, just a bit curious. But they are feeding my need to see the baby on a regular basis and that makes me happy. The sonographer is a friend of mine so that was cool and she would tell me if anything looked funny, she said that the baby looked perfect as far as she could tell. Then Dr MFM walks in the door and tells me that there is no such thing as a false positive AFP. What the f?????? So now I am nervous. He says that it is like saying you have a false positive hemoglobin. It is a number plain and simple. Just what I needed to have another thing to worry about! Oh well, at least they have found another reason for me to see our little creation on the big screen on a regular basis.
On another note, though I may not be posting much these days I am keeping up with most of you!! I am holding my breath for Mary Ellen, praying for the last Straw (pun intended) for Rachel, and praying that all that Samantha's stitches holds that baby in there!!
You guys have been on a role lately. Most of you through your frustration have written some very funny blogs. I actually laughed out loud at a couple of you!! I can appreciate good infertile humor. (Sorry, I don't consider myself amongst the fertile.) I am hoping and praying for you all!!
(((huggs)))
A

Denial!!!

I think I am in DENIAL over this pregnancy! I don't know if I am just still not feeling well because of the hormones and such, or if I still won't allow myself to get excited. I am usually a big time planner and I am growing increasingly frusterated over just picking out a theme for the room! I am the creative one that has everything decorated and done to a T by the next month. It feels like writters block. I have decorators block! Everytime I try to think ahead I want to cry with a feeling that I will never get there. Thanks for the rant and know that I am still here silently rooting you guys on and praying lots.
A

PS If the old wives tale is true... My baby is going to have an AFRO by the time he or she gets here! Indigestion sucks!!!

BIG SCARE!! Warning TMI and Preg Talk

Well, Friday was a usual and boring morning when I sat down at my desk and felt something wet in my neather region. Since I have been combating a bad UTI I thought I had just peed on myself a little, so I quickly jumped up and told my partner I need to go to the bathroom NOW!! So I ran to the bathroom, jerked my pants down, and it was what all of us IFer's dread to see BLOOD!!! Not just a little spotting but it went through my pants down my leg gushed when I took a step bleeding. I started shaking and my BP shot up. I called my RE and he didn't call me back after half an hour. At this point I am sitting in my office on one of those big blue diaper like pads that you see in hospitals. Shaking like a leaf because I am scared to death! Finally my charge nurse walks by my office and see's that something is wrong when she asked I simply opened my knees a bit and she freaked out! She made me go in one of our rooms (I work in an OB/GYN Assessment Center, sort of like the ER of a Women's only hospital) and lay down. They called my doctor twice (and I had already phoned him once with no reply) and his response was, why do you keep calling me I had to take a shower first. HUH?? What the hell does that mean? I guess he didn't think that the nurse would tell me that but all these nurses are my friends, HELLO!!! Then he tells her don't call anyone out just send her to U/S when they all get here. (Which was three hours from then, it was 4:30am when this all started) I was in pure panic mode and he should know this!!! The things that we go through to get this far, I feel like he should have done everything in his power to rest my nerves! Instead he made it worse. So now I don't know what to do, I want to confront him in some way, without being bitchy! Help me out girls! I will hopefully graduate on Friday, so I will see him then. I want to have my game plan all laid out! Sorry, I left you hangin..... Baby was fine sub chorionic bleed most likely where implantation occurred (so they say). I think it was a bit heavy for implantation bleed! I mean this was full flow period bleed. Oh well, enough of that. 10 weeks and 3days! Hanging in there!!
I am still rootin for all you gals~~ :)
(((huggs)))
A

Warning TMI and Preg Talk!

Sorry for such the long time between posts! For the couple of you that read my blog! Everything is going fine pregnancy wise. We had another ultrasound on the 3rd and baby was moving around and heartbeat was fine. I have 2 weeks and 2 days to be out of the first patch of woods. I am still holding my breath and I guess I will be doing so for the next 6 months. Right now I have a UTI! It is killing me and the antibiotic makes me feel like crap (like I needed any help right now!)!! I have been on it for a week tomorrow and I just can't take it anymore! They want me to take it for 10 days, but I don't think I can make it! Sleeping sucks these days, I wake up at 3am no matter what! Hungry, pee break, it will be something I assure you. I can go to sleep at 1am and 3am eyes are open and I am reaching for the remote. I have even tried eating and peeing at midnight hoping that I would have no reason to wake up at 3am! That didn't work either. I am so tired during the day I must nap or I would literally die!! I know that may help me to sleep more at night, but hell no I am not giving up my nap!! And that is that! RE still hasn't released me because of the damn UTI! Maybe I can squeeze another ultrasound out of him! I just don't know what I am going to do if I can't see the baby every other week as I have pretty much since conception. My poor kid is going to come out with the jitters from all the ultrasounds. Anywho, other than a killer UTI and typical pregnancy stuff, I am A OK! Hope all of you are well, I look forward to catching up to you soon!
(((huggs)))
A

Warning pregnancy talk!

Well, We had a wonderful vacation in Orlando. The lines weren't bad and no one got bent out of shape about anything. We stayed at the beautiful Hilton Grand Vacations Resort-Tuscany. It was an amazing 1 bedroom condo with a full kitchen and washer and dryer to boot! I came home with no dirty clothes from our trip!!! Now for other news, Hubs and I saw the most amazing heartbeat today!!! Galloping horses to a very quick beat!! Started to decrease my meds. One more U/S on Friday and I graduate to hopefully being just boring old pregnant. I will keep you posted to the end. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you still! I haven't forgotten about any of you!
(((huggs)))
A

Meet Dot!

I wish I could figure out how to do pics because I would post the most beautiful dot ever seen!! We had an ultrasound today and it my RE's professional opinion he says, "You have a sac and something in it!" Whoo Hoo!! I love sac's with prizes! Too early to see heartbeat yet so we will return for next u/s on the 25th! They wanted to do one next week, but since I will be having a love affair with Mickey next week, Pregnant Bliss it is!~ At least for a moment I can pretend that all the worry is over and I will be normal and boring from here on out! Beta today was 2076 and P4 was 27 maintaining! I know that I am by no means out of the woods and I have quite the road ahead, but for the first time since Nov of last year I feel like I can breathe! Thanks for all your support and kindness, your words and wishes have meant the world to me and have made this journey so much easier! (((huggs to all))) I hope to bring many Mickey stories home after next and the news from the home front!

A

Well, I went and had my beta done again and it was 979! Something has definitely attached itself. Progesterone 27! U/S on Friday! Disney on Saturday! I hope for the best, still cautiously dreaming, and praying often.
(((huggs))) to all~
A

Not sure exactly what is happening, but Beta is still rising and was 288 on Friday which is a shorter doubling time. Nothing is ever easy with IF as we all know. I go back Tuesday for another check. I have more symptoms now than I have previously. I have a pooch that I get a charlie horse on the sides if I stretch too far to either way. My boobs are killing me and unfortunately my daughters head is at the same height. So every time she runs to hug me I cringe. I have major food aversions, no real morning sickness per say, sometimes mid chew I decide that I am repulsed by what I am eating. It has gotten bad enough that I have actually had to spit out what I was chewing. The poor waiters that have taken care of us in the last week must think I am a wack job. They always ask me if there is something wrong with the food. So I regretfully tell them it was wonderful 5 min ago! The old sniffer has kicked in and I have a constant, "OMG Do you smell that?" look on my face. And my hips, they kill~! Both hips feel like I have been in stirrups for a year. Sore not sharp pain, like I went dancing all night and I never sat down. Still too terrified to take anything, so I suffer! And sleep, I can sleep all day and all night! Then turn around and be up all night long for a couple nights then want to sleep for another week 24/7! Just found out that we are going to Disney World on Saturday for a whole week!! Whoo hoo!! I just asked that we only do parks every other day and for a lot of patience. I can't wait, I haven't seen Mickey in 10 years!! It has been too long! Anyway, I hope all is well with you guys. I pray for you daily.
(((huggs)))
A

Not Sure what to make of this......

Well, I had my second Beta today and it was 119. Which is a doubling time of 3.26. It was three days apart. I guess I don't understand what the 3.26 means. Dr Google says that it is fine and it should double every 2-3 days. I am right at that huh? RE's office just said that it was less than they wanted to see, but good enough to not do another one for a week. WTF? what does that mean? Help me out girls. I think I might ask them to retest me on Friday so I can at least have a restful instead of fretful weekend. My progesterone was 28 by the way.
Hubs grandmother's birthday is Sunday and the whole family is getting together for lunch and cake. We were going to tell them then because A) I have an obvious pudge already B) cause MIL already suspects C) we have told a good many of our friends (they all know what we are going through) that we are and if MIL gets wind that they and my parents knew before them she will hold it over our heads forever. She's like that!
But I don't want to tell them on Sunday and only to see my Beta drop on Monday. I just can't stand it, the thought that my grade A #1 +++ super dooper embies would leave me! I want to cry. Which leads me to another thing, I am so emotional it is ridiculous. I can't tell if I want to burst into tears or hit something or somebody!!! I am still cramping pretty bad it is like every third day I feel like this is it, I am cramping, its over. Needless to say I am a nervous wreck!!! I f I am currently dancing to the Toilet Paper Tango, Soggy Panty Somba, Forgetful Foxtrot, and the there's still two lines dance. I am just ready to do the babymakin two step and just do that one for the next nine months.
So here's another question.....how long does it take to absorb the progesterone from the vaginal m&m's? I have to do them when I am at work, but my job requires me to be on my feet a good bit so I try to avoid work for a little while while I wait for absorption.
I guess that is all I have for now. I am still praying for you all.
(((huggs)))
A

Where here it is!

Beta HCG:63
Progesterone:18
RE's office says that it is good, but I am not convinced that it is 100%!
Preggers none the less so at least I have made it this far!
Still praying for you all!
(((huggs)))
A

So I couldn't take it any longer!

Well, I just had to prepare myself for today's Beta. So good bad or ugly, I had to know if I had tested too early? Or if it was the fate that I feared? But first I wanted to say Thanks to Mary Ellen, Jo, Ellie and Samantha for being optimistic it paid off for me..................... Yep! Two pink lines!!!! The two little lines I have looked for almost 2 years now. Please God let them stay and grow!! I am beside myself. Hubs was so cute he looked at the test and said, "Is this the part where I say , Holy Crap You're Pregnant! How are we going to explain THIS to our parents??" Which is sort of funny because neither of our parents have any clue the struggle we have had with all this. Here I am again Cautiously Dreaming, trying desperately to put on the brakes as my head already has me at delivery! I am still sending Sticky thoughts out to everyone and hopefully the pregnancy hoo-doo-voo-doo to all!!
(((huggs)))
A

Strange News!

Well, I wish it was news about me but I just found out that my best friend from childhood is pregnant. Now normally this would be the time where I scream in my pillow and cry, but this is a good thing and I am sure you all would agree. She is a now former IFer having endured 6 IVF cycles and got pregnant on her own!!! Yep you heard it, on her own! She gave up three years ago after a long almost 3 year struggle with ART. So props for BFF and wish long and happy pregnancy! On another note, feeling off and on crampy. One minute I am discouraged thinking I am about to start my period and the next nothing for hours. Same with my lower back, achy like I need to lay on my heating pad (which I do every time AF visits) and then poof gone. Boobs are heavy and sore and a tad bit itchy. ITCHY? I think that is a new one for me. Scared to POAS again as it brought me down way to close to depression. So now I have a question for you. POAS or not POAS? I want to be prepared and not blindsided by the results. Help. I know many of you have been here before so I need advice.
(((huggs))) for you all (those that respond and those who don't)
A

Here's the Update (sorry its long)

Well Girlies so sorry that I haven't kept you updated. I have been on Bed rest since Monday and Friday they gave me a get out of jail free card for the weekend. I haven't seen my parents in a couple of months so we travel the 4 hours away to see them. I had to tell them what was up since I look about 4 months along already. I even had to go buy some pants because the ones I packed didn't fit. One good thing about all this it has given me a reason to go shopping. Anywho, I have been downing the protein. RE says that protein is the only thing that absorbs all the fluid being retained in the ovaries (sort of like an osmosis thing the way he explained it to me) so I have had about 100g of protein as well as about 5 Gatorade's a day all week.
Come Wednesday (which was day 5) I was good to go for transfer. I couldn't believe it, I felt like I won the lottery. I have rested and consumed vast amounts of protein and electrolytes and my body responded! So we transferred 2 beautiful expanded blasts and froze 11. So I feel like this will give hubs and I all the children we had planned for as well as give someone else the opportunity from the frozen. I felt like super woman.
So back to the weekend, very excited, I still have the sore boobs and all the other stuff, but my stomach feels tight and hard right below my belly button. Babies?? Ovaries?? Babies??? Ovaries??? Gas?? Huh! I guess I will know soon enough. Beta is Friday!
Then I did it!!!!! The dreaded POAS!!!! I sent hubs to the store since it would look strange for a obviously pregnant woman buying a pregnancy test?? (Raise eyebrow) So back he came with the ever faithful 3pack! I am trying to stay positive. I am only 5days post transfer. And it wasn't fresh first morning pee, but the test was single lined. Not even a hint. I am very down and not wanting to face the world and I just want to crawl under my covers until Friday! Do you think I could get a dr excuse for this week too?? Needless to say I am thinking I will be an FET next month and hoping to beat the odds for once. Well, Meerkat Manor is on and those little guys make me giggle. Hope all is well with you guys I am still praying for you all.
(((huggs)))
A

Fert Report!!

Drumroll please....................................29 fertilized. Of the 37, 34 were mature and of the 34 we have 29!! 29 endless possibilities! I am still cautiously dreaming!!

Sorry I wasn't able to post yesterday, it was a very busy one. Hubs was in a wedding and when i woke up I was about 5 pounds heavier and now had nothing to wear. So we (myself on pain medicaition) had to trot to the mall to find something for me to wear. Thank God the first place we went to had a great dress and I got great shoes, I love Macy's! So we left and I rested till the wedding. I still couldn't take a deep breath, but I couldn't miss our dear friends wedding. I knew they would understand, but with hubs in it and wanted to be there for everyone, I took half a lortab and went!! Hubs painted my toes and everything...he is going to be such a good daddy! The night was a bit long, but I sat to the side all night and perched my ever protruding belly under the table. I even sat a glass of wine in front of me so people wouldn't ask. I have gained almost 8 pounds since Friday. I am barely trucking under the 4 pounds a day mark. So I hope I start peeeing all this fluid out or something. I want to look forward to my ever growing belly, not wake up one day and it's there!! On second thought, I will take what I can get! If I have to stay like this for a year as long as it produces a healthy bambino!!! I will email tomorrow with a cell report!

(((huggs))) to you all!
A

Well, Ladies this will be short but I am now 7 months pregnant! I wish, but that is what I look like anyway! I am so distended and in so much pain I can hardly stand it. For those of you that have experienced OHSS my heart goes out to you, because if this scratches the surface (which I hope is all it is) of OHSS it is unbearable. RE has given me some extra pain meds so that is helping but damn I am miserable. But I know it will be worth it in the end! Well, I am sure all of you want to know my number..................drumroll please...........................
37!!!! They got freakin 37 eggs! I was blown away!!!! I was hoping for 20! RE said that I was going to experience a lot more pain because they basically trampled my ovaries with a track shoe! His words not mine! I love his analogies! Hubs made jokes that after they did the egg count they asked him if he could make another "deposit" because they weren't sure if they would have enough sperm for all the eggs, too funny. We should get fertilization report. I will try my best to keep you guys posted!
Hope all is well in your neck of the woods!!
(((huggs)))
A
It's about time I was an overachiever in something!!!

Today is the day!!!!

Well, the big day is here. My HCG level was 125 and we retrieve at 10am this morning! I must say it felt good to not do an injection for once. I will post this afternoon how many eggs were in my basket. I don't really have anything humorous to say I am so nervous its crazy. I am more so this time. I guess I know how much is at stake!! Take care, I will post later!
A

CD10!

Well, CD 10 E2 was 3,998!!! I have no idea what to do with that number! We triggered at midnight with only half the hcg. I am not sure what that means either. Nursy RE told me to dilute the novarel in 1cc of water and then only draw out 1/2 to use. WTF?? I paid good money to use all of it!!!! Anyone ever heard of only using 1/2?? I know I am full up with eggs I took my ganirelix at 5pm yesterday then HCG 12am. Last shot!! YAY! I made it, no more pokey pokey!! Hubs wanted me to go workout with him yesterday, I had to regretfully (not really) decline in fear that I may burst an ovary! My tummy is so pooched out, I can't suck it in anymore. I am just ready for bambino pooch instead!! Still holding my breath! Hope you all are on target!

A

I'm BBBBBAAAACCCKKK!!!

So we got home yesterday from the most relaxing beach trip ever! I really needed that and it came at the most appropriate time (mid cycle)! My CD6 E2 was 485 not to shabby and I now have major swiss cheese for ovaries now. I was commenting on how pretty and round they all were, then I went to the RE when I got home and they are getting all squished up together and losing their pretty roundness. They are starting to look like a subway car during peak rush hour! My CD8 E2 was 1595. Movin on up! I go back in the morning for what will probably be my last monitoring before retrieval. My guess is that I will do my HCG injection at midnight tomorrow night and do retrieval on Friday. Wow, I can't believe that it is soo close. At least I already have sore boobs so I can check that off the pre-pregnancy symptom check list, along with cravings (currently it is corn dogs with lots of mustard, last time it was orange sherbet), and a dull lower abdominal pain. These are all pregnancy symptoms so who knows. I guess after not being on the meds and they persist I will get my hopes up. Speaking of hopes up, I did a bad thing I must confess. I bought maternity clothes!!!! I know, I know that is one of the things we IFers try to avoid especially during a cycle, but it was 4 shirts for $25. A deal that I couldn't pass up! Gap maternity at that!! I promise not to do it again until I see a heartbeat!! I really hope this works this time. Here I go Cautiously Dreaming AGAIN!! Trying to figure out what to wear to a wedding that my husband is in on Sat (1dpo) so that I don't look pregnant but comfortable enough. If I buy something in maternity for this reason, does that really count? So much is running through my head! I can't keep a constant thought for anything!! Sorry if I am rambling, just getting nervous, hoping for the best!!
Hang in there everybody! Hope all is well with all of you! Praying for y'all!
(((huggas)))
A

E2!

Well, Today I went for my blood work for day 3 on my meds! E2 was 282 which they said was on target! Since Hubs and I are going away for our 2nd Honeymoon/ 1st Anniversary and I need to be monitored on Sat. My RE's office was kind enough to make an appt for me at the beach about 40 min from our hotel! Granted I will need to rise early to be there for an 8am appt, but at least I am not having to cut my weekend short for monitoring. Plus it is going to sort of fun to see another facility and how they run things. I will let you guys know how it goes.
Maybe some of you can help me with this, but I noticed last cycle, after I had taken my med for a few days I began to have a sore throat, general body aches and a dull headache, like I was trying to come down with the flu. I thought then that I might have just gotten a bug or something, but after the second time, I am beginning to wonder if the medication doesn't agree with me. Perhaps this is just what it feels like to have 225iu of hormones surging through me!! I did have my first hot flash today 10:40am, shopping for beach clothes for the weekend when bam... I am sweating buck shot and can hardly breathe. I wanted to tear my clothes off in the middle of the food court!!! That was it no more shopping, so I went to visit hubs at his station (he is a paramedic) and got him to check me out. Of course everything was normal I was just "HOT!!" he says. Whatever it felt like I had just got a taste of hell!! Injections are still making me sleepy though. For about 5 hours after I am a ZOMBIE! I am clumsy too! OH well, 7 more days isn't gonna kill me! Retrieval is most likely on Fri 15th! (Glad it isn't the 13th)
As far as incognito injections are concerned....here's my first..... parking lot of the ballpark! I felt like a junkie trying to hurry so I didn't miss much of the game and watching for passers-by so they didn't think I was some crack head that couldn't wait. Then I slouch down in the car seat and put my feet on the dashboard so I could relax my tummy and pinch an inch. I probably looked like I was gorked out or something!! OH the things we do to get preggers!! Please God let it work this time!!
Still hoping and praying for you all!
(((huggs)))
A

First Day of Meds!!

Well, guys and gals, it was my first self injection! Not too bad, just glad those extra pounds I gained last cycle came into a little use! Got really sleepy afterwards but that could be that I am almost half into my 5th shift!! I miss my night time bed. Do you think our ovaries have memory?? Do you think they sense the hormones coming and freeze for a second like we do when we smell or eat something that makes us sick or the feeling like when you eat your favorite chocolate? Maybe the meds are chocolate for the ovaries that's why they get so fat! So would that make our eggs cadbury?? HAHA!! It's late and I am delirious and hungry. Not much to report other than I am seriously trying hard to not get excited, I am sooooo afraid of disappointment. Well, take care ya'll and I will be checkin in on you!!
(((huggs)))
A

OH! Something weird did happen......... When I was drawing up my meds I was listening to my ipod (on shuffle) when the song that Hubs and I danced our last dance to at our wedding, Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. I got this big grin on my face and felt such a peace. It was indescribable. I'd like to think that it was like when you watch a movie and the music leads you to the next scene. From the Wedding to the Family, or least I pray so!!
Still Cautiously dreaming!
A

Monitoring Round #1

Monitoring Round #1

US- Right and Left ovary sleeping soundly
E2- should be less than 75 and it is a whopping 20!!

Yay! Go ovaries!

Stims start Monday
125 of Bravelle
75 of Menopur

Yes I can have a couple glasses of champagne and RE has a friend where we wanted to go for our anniversary trip so if I need monitoring we are set!! Yay!
I just hope pregnancy comes together this easy!!!!

Hoping and praying for you all!!!

(((huggs)))
A

OK! I want back off the Roller Coaster!

I know I said that I was ready to get back on, but I lied!! Hormones started ragging when I tried to trick AF to wait another week by extending my bcp's. It is like I keep telling her to wait and she keeps telling me that she is coming and getting madder by the minute that I tell her NO!!! But no longer as I took what will hopefully be my last bcp for the next... oh... forever!!!! I hate those little pills of torture!! Maybe the dog can go dig up my libido now and return it to me! I know my husband will be grateful. Not that I really like him all that much right now (hubs or the dog). Basically, I hate all things that have a penis! Partially glad that I don't need sex to conceive!!! HAHA! Damn hormones! I hope this will get better soon, but I am afraid that it will not as I will start injections on Monday.

Hubs is giving me all sorts of grief! Our 1st year anniversary is 5 days before retrieval and he wants to go to the beach and now is upset that I can't guarantee that it will be possible.
So here is my delima 1)do I let him plan a trip away knowing that it may not happen
2) No matter where we are do I share the bottle of Dom that we got as a wedding gift to share on our 1st year anniversary??
I will blog more tomorrow!!
Let me know what you think,
A

Dreaming with Caution!

Well, I start my second round of BCP's tomorrow. Since I am not taking the "sugar" pills and starting a new pack straight out my insurance isn't going to pay anything. Normally this wouldn't be so bad if I was going to take the whole round but I am taking 1 week!! Yes siree, $66 for 7 little micro sized pills! If they were big as horse pills I might feel like I was getting my monies worth a little bit, but NNNOOOOO!! That is $9.42 a pill!!!! I know that is a drop in the bucket compared to my other meds but just $66 I didn't plan to spend. OK Rant over......

Ordering Meds a week later than I wanted because I was hoping Income tax check would come in so I would feel like they were FREE!! HAHA! So much for that. I just want to get on the roller coaster again. I know that sounds strange and I am trying hard to not get my hopes up but my heart flutters a little when I think about hearing those sweet words, "Your Pregnant!"
But I have been down this road before and didn't hear those words, so I dream with caution. I have always been the tough girl that never let anything stop her and in doing so I have taken an "Oh Well!" attitude when things don't go as I had planned. It isn't a don't care attitude but one of serenity. I guess it is a defense mech of the sorts. Anywho, because I "oh well'd" the last cycle I now can't help but start to do the whole due date and how far I will be at what holiday and will I be able to do this or that. Should I have shopped for more winter type maternity clothes, and the list goes on and on! I am so OCD, I hate the unknown so I daydream as if I know what will happen. I wish my ovaries had half the kick start my brain does!!! HEHEHE!!
So I am now playing the waiting game to start stims.......
Hoping and Praying for you all!!
(((huggs)))
A

Strangely Appropriate~~

OK! Well I caved and decided to borrow a fun thing from some of you and post my top five ipod songs on shuffle. I was amazed how close they hit home. It's a little spooky! Anyway, without much adieu...........

1)The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility: Conversations with my 13 year old Self -Pink
This is strange because I had problems at a very young age and my gyn had told me that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Since I wasn't trying at such a young age I ignored it and ended up pregnant at 19. Now that I want to get pregnant I can't~~ Sucks!
2)Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
Runaway-Pink
Not really, I was young when I was first told I would have problems but apparently the problems were getting pregnant as a grown adult instead of a child!
3)The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
Back in the Day-Christina Aguilera
If you count OPK's then it has been almost a year. I know many people have tried for much longer but this has been one of the longest years of my LIFE!!!
4)What did infertility do to your sex life?
Damn Girl-Justin Timberlake
That one cracked me up!!!! How appropriate was that!! I keep telling Hubby that the dog has taken my libido and buried in the back yard somewhere!! HAHAHA!!
5)What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
Glamorous-Fergie
Not sure about this one!! The life of the infertile is by far not a glamorous one! However it did make me think about something someone said to me once... She and I were talking about the expenses of IVF and she said, "Be Glad that you and your husband have good jobs so you can afford the treatments!" While that is true I would have quite the GLAMOROUS life spoiling my baby rotten!!!! Then again it repeats over and over in the song,"If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home!" Boy how true it that!!!!

Well, That's That!! Interesting huh!! I thought so!
Take care and I am praying for you all!
(((huggs)))
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Finally!!!

Well, AF finally made herself known on Monday!! I called RE and scheduled my day 3 labs! FSH was 4 and E2 was 32! So I am good to go!! Started BCP's today, Fencon FE. I have never taken these before and I am concerned about constipation with the whole Iron thing! We will see! So I take these horrible pills of madness for the next 4 weeks. Then I start stims first part of June!! So I guess I am a June/July cyclist! Is it wrong for me to want this cycle to be over already??? I look at those forever long calendars and get really tired!! So much to do! I wish I could just take it all at once and retrieve tomorrow!! HAHA!! Wow the cycle's we would plow through! I hate the one day at a time business!! Needless to say patience has never been my strong suit!! I feel like that brat girl on Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, "I want the golden ticket, and I want it NOW!!!" Oh well, rant over! Thanks I feel better!!
Anywho, life is crazy with all the kids activities-Dance and Baseball! I am hoping that they will keep my mind off things. My Jay is sooo sweet, I found a homemade card today that he had made me when we found out that the last cycle didn't work. I was in bed for a couple of days sobbing, and it was the sweetest little note about how God's timing is perfect and when it is time for a baby there will be one. Damn christian school that I pay too much money to send him to!! Why must they teach him such wonderful things to say!! JK!!! I guess I will be reading that for the next 8 weeks to keep me grounded!! I am truely blessed for the two that I have, I just want my DH and I to have a special blessing of our own! It is sort of strange to go from a fertile to an infertile! I was told that I would have problems getting pregnant but after two successful pregnancies I said bah hum bug! Little did I know what was to be! Oh to have young eggs and parts again!! Well, I will keep you guys posted on anything new! Just holding my breath until stims!!
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I'm Still Waiting........

I know they say that a watched pot never boils! I am coming up with a new one..... A needed visit from AF seldom happens!! Whatever! I know that stress will cause you to skip a month or start late, blah blah blah! The later AF waits to show up the more stress out I get!!! I am beginning to wonder if it is a case of the cat chasing the tail!! Round and Round and Round!!!
SIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
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Can someone please send AF for a visit?????

OK! I thought I would NEVER say this, "I need a AF visit! PRONTO!!!!" OMG! I started on March 19th after a failed IVF cycle and so I was thinking about the 16th-20th would be her next visit, but NNNNOOOOO!!!! Here it is the 22nd and no sign of her. I am scared that if I don't start by May 1st that I may get ousted for the next cycle group!!!!! EEEGGGHHH!!! I need all of you to send AF voo-doo-hoo-doo my way!!! This seems to surreal to wish a silly thing like this!!! Anyway, with all that said, no news yet for my next cycle!!! (((HUGGS)))
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Same ol Same ol!

I don't really have much to say today. I am anxiously waiting for AF's arrival. As soon as she shows up I will have more answers for my next cycle! Right now I am just holding my breath waiting..... yet again, and working all the extra I can to try to pay for another cycle. I am praying for each of you cyclesista's!! I hope to have news soon!
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Wha ha happend was............

I didn't get pregnant!!

Had meeting with RE today, whom I adore and respect, and his first thing to say to me was, " I wondered what the heck you ment when you said I will see ya next week, when I saw your results (of the beta) I was SHOCKED!!" He seemed perplexed when I told him that I woke up Sunday morning (4 days post transfer) and KNEW I wasn't pregnant. He acted very intrigued yet concerned. Who knows maybe he was just acting concerned. Anywho, He said that if he were betting on the cycles he would have put all his money on me!! My response, sarcastic of course, "Glad you didn't!" He had no explanation, no reason, not even a suggestion. He simple said that we would combine the Menapur and the Bravell for the whole cycle. He even said that we couldn't have done much better as far a response and performance, just that "the embryo and the uterus were not speaking the same language" and that is something that mother nature has to do. Feeling good that he didn't have any BAD news! Hopeful for the next cycle. Puzzled that he said that we have a higher success rate than last. How does that work??? Anyway, waiting for AF so we can strap on our bootstraps and saddle up for the next rodeo!!
(((huggs for all)))
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Low Sperm Count Answers!

Well, I just read it on MSN..... our Mother-in -laws are to blame for low sperm count in their sons!! Apparently expecting mothers of sons that consumed red meat during pregnancy results in low sperm count. The article went on to refer to the hormones and pesticides plaguing the cattle industry is to blame. I personally think it could be true as I feel like that is why our girls are developing too early and we have 8 year old with periods. Maybe not so much as true but possibly a direct correlation. In conclusion the team that did this study plans to run tests and such in the EU since hormones in cattle and the such were banned in 1988. Interesting............but STUPID!!! (just to borrow a term from the Gong Show, HAHA!!)
Today I am in better spirits, that could be that I am working my last shift for a week!! I am anxiously awaiting all of your results!! I keep telling myself that when I get back to work your results will be in!! I feel like its my 2WW all over again almost. I am praying for the best for you all!! Not sure if I will post again until next week, but we will see. Since the BFN I have been up one minute and down the next!!! This damn IVF rollercoaster!!! Geeezzz!
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Mother Nature is so hard to wait on sometimes!!! And it seems that looking back is the only way to make it appear to go faster. That does not seem to be the case in my adventure called IVF!! Big Wedding and Honeymoon creeped up and then flew by and before I knew it we will be married for a year in June. High School and College creeped by and then flew by and I was at my 10 year reunion. Started my career and now I will be celebrating my 10th year with the same hospital on April 14th! Just like a car speeding down the highway WOOSH!! and it was gone and you barely remember the color of the car!!
And so it is with almost all things in life EXCEPT IVF!!!!! If I hear "Call us when you start your period." one more time (which I know I will) I am going to SCREAM!! It is everything in me to not mock them in my most immature whinney voice. Waiting on AF, waiting on drugs to come in, waiting on my calender, waiting for my HCG shot, waiting to see lab results, waiting for Retrieval, waiting on transfer and the GOD AWFUL waiting on the Big ONE!!! THE BETA!
A whole lot of waiting with not much of anything that you could possibly think of in the mean time! With so much at stake who can consentrate! It feels like every cycle gets longer and longer and longer!! Patience has never been a virtue that I have ever possessed. I try but the unknown kills me. I guess that is why I have a case of UPT's in my bathroom. I know we are suppose to stay away from them but I just gotta know! It is like playing the lottery and not looking to see if you won. I had no idea this would be so hard on me. I feel like I am holding my breath and sooner or later I am gonna turn blue. So I break down and POAS! I guess God is going to once and for all teach me patience.
On another note, I can't believe the nerve of some people. We ran into a friend of my hubby and myself at Target today and she is due in July. She was complaining that she can't wear a cute swim suit and summer clothes this year. BooHoo for you!! I would wear a Granny MooMoo dress for 9 mo if it ment I would be pregnant. I know that she doesn't know what we are going through right now, but it struck such a nerve with me and hubby.
I guess that is all I have for now!! I am patiently ( haha, like I have ever done that before) waiting for my WTF? meeting with my RE. I can't wait to see if there is anything they would do differently. Gosh so many what if's that I need answers!!
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It's Everywhere It's EVERYWHERE

Well, the reality that I will not have that Turkey baby I was so hopping for is sinking in!! I work in an OB hospital so it is very hard to just not think about it and do something else. To top it all off the gift shop is just around the corner from my office and I must pass it to go anywhere in the hospital. The gift shop isn't a problem, just the new display of basinet and baby items in the window that I must look at ten times a day!! I know hearing the occasional co-worker brag about their easy pregnancy isn't easy, but damn!!! I see nothing but bellies and baby gear everywhere I turn. Not to mention all the maternity clothes I had purchased during my cycle adorning my room!! I want to be invisible sometimes. I guess I can hope for a Valentine's Baby!! God please send me cupid for real!!! Little tiny one preferably without wings and an arrow, but if that's all you got, I'll take it!!! I am sure I will blog again later!!
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All for my baby!!

Hi! I am Amanda and I am addicted to IVF drugs!! I love shots in my tummy and the mood swings that quickly follow!! I will make this short in case this is not going to work! I hope to be completly set up soon!
Peace,
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